How to get back on track for finding friends or partners

[Grudge]

Hey folks, so most of you know my situation now. I was married 7 years and that officially has ended. I am thinking about how to be more social and physically meet people. I think that this work from home and virtual stuff has a really harmful effect on the mental and emotional development of people, and I notice many missed opportunities with regards to my own self. For as long as I was married, the majority of my social life comprised of being around my wife all the time. But now that's not going to work and there is a serious social gap in my life.

I'm looking at meet up groups but most of them seem virtual which is the exact opposite of what I want. I've also looked at some dating apps but I have a skeptical view of them because I think they filter you out if you are not 6 feet 1 and look great. I've lost some hair on my head, and am relatively shorter. But I've got my own newly built house with 5 rooms in a nice neighborhood, I have a good job, and now my weight is at an appropriate level. When I was going through the divorce, I spent some money on myself after a really long time and spent no less than $2,000 on shirts, shoes, and a brand new suit. So I'm ready to start going out.

What do you suggest I can do to both make some new friends, and find a new partner or future spouse?

[agony bagony]

can't get back on track if you were never on track to begin with

[Grudge]

The sentence to pay particular attention to is the one at the bottom of the original post.

[agony bagony]

sorry i'm stuck on "i spent $2000 on clothes, how do i wear them around people"

[Grudge]

What's so difficult about comprehending the concept of buying something when you're anticipating an occasion, and then looking for that occasion?

If it helps you understand, there are some base factors that I consciously worked towards as I think about being more social and making adaptations in my life. Among them are, as I've mentioned in the original post, is losing weight so that I can look good. However, I don't have it all figured out, which is why I'm asking for advice. Do you normally go out looking like a complete slob Dusty?

[agony bagony]

in all seriousness i would say you fret about presentation to an absurd and frankly unhealthy extent, clothes and weight and hair only matter if you let them and you are letting them dominate your every (non)-move

instead of giving any fucks about that, go to places where people do things that you like to do also and strike up a conversation with someone who seems interesting. go sit at a bar awhile; go to a gaming den; go to a park or a dog park or an office key party or a market or a gym or a fight club or any one of a thousand other places and just look for worthwhile people and fail at conversation awhile until you don't

"stop worrying about the things that define you" is easier said than done but if you practice at it you will meet people with whom you can laugh about how much worrying you used to do

[Grudge]

go sit at a bar awhile; go the gym, market, park

This is amusing to me because you attempt to critique superficiality, and then proceed to give the most stereotypical, superficial responses that one can get with two seconds of googling. And that tells me that you have no experience yourself with any of these things.

For instance, I do go to the gym, and have been going for nearly my entire adult life. I can assure you, unless you want to come across as a creepy jerk or a gym jock, picking up women at a gym is one of the creepiest things imaginable. Or even finding new buddies. Like walk me through a scenario where you would think this is at all practical. "Hey dude, you need a spot?" Is that the trick?

Or sitting at a bar alone drinking beer? That's a sad sad loser right there, and I should know, I've been to the bar alone many times and none of what you seem to think should happen happens there. Ditto for parks, since I go out for walks a fair bit.

[Grudge]

Let's get Rhino in here, he's a had a threesome so he's got to be the master at this shit.

[Grudge]

Here are the ideas I've got

- Be more involved with neighborhood activities
- Participate in city council initiatives and meetings
- Be a member of an expatriate association
- Connect with more expatriates and try to provide mentorship, support
- Lately also amped up my political involvement and may make overseas trips to meet with connections, recently for example I was in Athens Greece for that and had a great time

[Methuselah Honeysuckle]

What about go belly up to a bar and have a chat with strangers

[Grudge]

If I overhear something worth butting in for, maybe, but ain't that a sad way to go about things?

[Methuselah Honeysuckle]

I enjoy having beers and shooting the shit with strangers

[jawn galliano]

i am really not a fan of the dating apps because they are necessarily dehumanizing and just cultivate and encourage our worst impulses toward superficial dismissal. and while its true that it will happen to you in some degree if you don't have the ideal stats and it sucks to be on the receiving end of that, its also true that it forces you into those same frames of thinking, which is even worse. but of course we find ourselves in a social milieu where that's completely taken over as the primary conduit for dating, so what can you really do.

i don't really have any good answers, i'm just spending drastically less time online (you are certainly correct that too much computer is very bad for you, but at the same time i enjoy remote work - that's just the bulk of my screen time for the day now) and trying to find opportunities to grow, develop new routines and just generally do things that actually make me feel happy and healthy. and that's been sufficient for me. i don't know that it's specifically useful for finding a partner but it definitely resonates with people.

i think those are all good ideas and i think you should pursue them and see what works. though i would caution against looking to political involvement as a dating pool, a lot of women who are really only interested in the political work get driven out of orgs by that dynamic. its harmful to everyone!

[User]

this thread is full of good advice and bad ideas

imran, get off your computer and off your phone, go out every night after work, you are divorced now and you don't even have any pets

enjoy yourself and stop overthinking shit

[Grudge]

though i would caution against looking to political involvement as a dating pool, a lot of women who are really only interested in the political work get driven out of orgs by that dynamic. its harmful to everyone!

Finding a date there wasn't the intention, but if it happens as a side effect, who am I to say no. I am very familiar about the problem with pests and creeps in that facet. Also when I mean political involvement I am not referring to involvement in the US left, because that's been taken over completely by identity politics, lgbt and other ultra leftist non-class nonsense and I am totally outside of it.

[agony bagony]

go sit at a bar awhile; go the gym, market, park

This is amusing to me because you attempt to critique superficiality, and then proceed to give the most stereotypical, superficial responses that one can get with two seconds of googling. And that tells me that you have no experience yourself with any of these things.

For instance, I do go to the gym, and have been going for nearly my entire adult life. I can assure you, unless you want to come across as a creepy jerk or a gym jock, picking up women at a gym is one of the creepiest things imaginable. Or even finding new buddies. Like walk me through a scenario where you would think this is at all practical. "Hey dude, you need a spot?" Is that the trick?

Or sitting at a bar alone drinking beer? That's a sad sad loser right there, and I should know, I've been to the bar alone many times and none of what you seem to think should happen happens there. Ditto for parks, since I go out for walks a fair bit.

i suggested things in good faith and your response was "well none of that will work"

if you relax a bit maybe you'll find what you're looking for

[agony bagony]

I enjoy having beers and shooting the shit with strangers

[Methuselah Honeysuckle]

Find the right bar and become a regular. Good ass times will be had

[agony bagony]

i'm sayin

[Methuselah Honeysuckle]

Most bars/taprooms run a weekly trivia and shit like that. Mine has got like 7 or 8 regular teams that show up.

[Mesarthim]

I like the idea of a bar but they’re just too damn expensive to hang out regularly in. Need to find a good dive bar where I can get smashed for less than $20. Even better if they offer food. There was a place I used to go in Florida where draft beer was like $2, $3 for craft. That was nice.

[Grudge]

Yea that's the other thing, bars are expensive.

[Ryeknow]

[agony bagony]

[jawn galliano]

bar where I can get smashed for less than $20

what you need is a time machine

[Grudge]

[zim]

maybe a deeper part of this is questioning what it is you actually want. are you content spending time by yourself at home? do you like doing anything by yourself? are you bored? do you actually want friends or do you feel like you need them? i know plenty of people who impose weird requirements on themselves like "i must have a wife" or "i need a fellating lover group of 5 at all times"

it's all about being vulnerable right. you shouldn't try to min/max a social life. you're gonna have nights where you go out and have 0 interactions with anyone and that's completely fine.

i would seek out things you actually enjoy or want to try. you can find all kinds of things like board game nights at game stores, classic bar stuff, people looking for sports partners, etc. i always meet really friendly people at metal shows, everyone is always willing to chat about the current lineup or whatever they like. turning that into a friendship is just a matter of finding a connection and bonding over it", "dude i love morbid angel, seen them 5 times, what are you into, when's the next show?"

[zim]

Or sitting at a bar alone drinking beer? That's a sad sad loser right there, and I should know, I've been to the bar alone many times and none of what you seem to think should happen happens there.

i think this kind of view is something that's working against you. dude alone at a bar? my first thought isn't sad loser, i just see a hard-on bearer at the bar enjoying a drink, maybe he's getting away from it all, the same hard-on bearer might be wishing for someone to sit next to him and ask him what's up. talking to complete strangers is a very american thing to do. the worst thing that could happen is that someone isn't responsive and if that's the case just say take it easy and see ya later

[Grudge]

maybe a deeper part of this is questioning what it is you actually want. are you content spending time by yourself at home? do you like doing anything by yourself? are you bored? do you actually want friends or do you feel like you need them? i know plenty of people who impose weird requirements on themselves like "i must have a wife" or "i need a fellating lover group of 5 at all times"

The first point to proceed from is to acknowledge that everyone is different and that something you would consider weird, some other person might see as exactly what they want. Personality differences have been well documented and you should be well acquainted with the concepts of extroversion and introversion. You may be an introvert, and thus can get on without being around many people all the time. And that's fine. But you cannot generalize it by saying its weird just because you don't identify with that need.

Anyway I myself am introverted and don't need to be around 5 people all the time as you say above. However it's not fun being totally alone either. Maybe if I wasn't in this work from home job and had to actually go into an office I'd have a much better time, but that is not the case. Life is tough to get through without someone who loves you and supports you, and it's not weird in the slightest to admit it.

[Methuselah Honeysuckle]

I like the idea of a bar but they’re just too damn expensive to hang out regularly in. Need to find a good dive bar where I can get smashed for less than $20. Even better if they offer food. There was a place I used to go in Florida where draft beer was like $2, $3 for craft. That was nice.

I wouldn't keep going if I wasn't well taken care of. Sure it's not a $20 spot but my bill is a single drink and I just tip heavily. One of the upsides to hanging out in a brewery's taproom is, not a ton of overhead, taproom is just bonus dollars for them.

[User]

less computer time, more outside time

[zim]

maybe a deeper part of this is questioning what it is you actually want. are you content spending time by yourself at home? do you like doing anything by yourself? are you bored? do you actually want friends or do you feel like you need them? i know plenty of people who impose weird requirements on themselves like "i must have a wife" or "i need a fellating lover group of 5 at all times"

The first point to proceed from is to acknowledge that everyone is different and that something you would consider weird, some other person might see as exactly what they want. Personality differences have been well documented and you should be well acquainted with the concepts of extroversion and introversion. You may be an introvert, and thus can get on without being around many people all the time. And that's fine. But you cannot generalize it by saying its weird just because you don't identify with that need.

Anyway I myself am introverted and don't need to be around 5 people all the time as you say above. However it's not fun being totally alone either. Maybe if I wasn't in this work from home job and had to actually go into an office I'd have a much better time, but that is not the case. Life is tough to get through without someone who loves you and supports you, and it's not weird in the slightest to admit it.

i'm very introverted, only have my girlfriend and a few friends who i don't see often though i really do enjoy spending time with them. i don't feel any deeper desire to find more friends though. when i bring up things being weird i suppose i am projecting a little bit because i've developed my own idea of what i think a partner or fellating lover ought to be. i think some of my closest friends relationships with their partners are really weird to me and i really don't understand the lack of open/honest communication which seems to be a common theme.

i hear stories about people who seem like they just co-habitat with their partner and it makes me feel uncomfortable. my fiance is my best fellating lover, we share everything with each other, enjoy a lot of the same activities, and are very open about our feelings and talk about them often. i like to have a similar relationship with my friends too. i like being so open with friends that i can say things that might normally be inappropriate or insulting to someone else, sharing real criticism, avoiding superficial interactions.

i don't think i could easily find new friends at this point in my life so i really do sympathize. it's always been easier to substitute with internet friends since it's not hard to find people who share the same niche interests/humor. i think i would probably find people out in the real world really boring or problematic.

[vO)))id]

less computer time, more outside time

[Grudge]

So I have set up a profile on some relationship apps, despite saying I wouldn't. The change in my approach has been, I now don't give a fuck if I get filtered out. I cast the net, and if I catch a fish I catch it, if I don't I don't. I've got time.

[User]

ugh, get off the apps

[Grudge]

And go where?

[droidspawn]

We are all old as balls now. Apps are our last vestiage of hope!

[User]

join clubs, integrate with your local community, etc. -- but also when i diss the apps, i don't mean all online or internet in general. but meeting online is always better if it is in a community environment rather than a corporate dating app, shitty kinds of social media that actively reduces everyone's humanity and brings out the worst in all. you know, the shit we loved in the gloryhole era and 2000s, chat rooms, forums, now it would be facebook groups and all that i guess

i have had to deal with (listen to a lot) my divorced dad doing the app shit for literally years and years now and on balance i do not think it has been good for him, even though he met a few good people and had nice times, it never ends well and there is no substitute for meeting people "organically"