MABB v6.6.6

need to vent and overshare because i am mega depressed. been experiencing some heavy anhedonia and general auto-pilot mode since i lost my dad. about two months ago for the first time in my life i decided to try medication for it. almost two months go by on the meds and i don't feel anything, no positive or negative effects. we up the dose and about two weeks later one night i notice a faint tinnitus sound as i'm going to sleep.

and that's when it started. i immediately started weening off the meds when i found out its a rare side effect, i have about a week left. it's been 5 days now and the sound has been persistent. i think i might have it pretty light/mild but it's noticeable at all times and has been stressful, it's like a high frequency oscillating sound. i actually feel sick from how stressed out it has me. i have never wished so hard that i could go back and make a different decision. i wasn't warned that this was a rare side effect.

there's a lot of info online that says if it's medication induced that it could go away, but all the reporting seems to be pretty mixed. so needless to say this fucking sucks

strongly suggest avoiding meds that affect the brain unless it is a life or death type situation. side effects can remain even after you stop the drugs

yeah that'll be the last time i ever try something like that. i even told the doc i didn't want to stay on it for an extended amount of time. i was hoping it would just help me feel a little more motivated to work on myself. i wish i had reached out on the mabb first or something. just been in this awful cycle of stress and depression that i went for an easy solution.

i'm hopeful that this will go away as it really does seem faint but man am i depressed over it, more so than i felt before it

Zim im sorry to hear that.

Ive been on a lot of anti depressants in my life and have had a variety of side effects. Everything from stiff muscles to sleeping 20 hours a day it has all gone away when stopping the medication.

I think its a quality of life question and its personal if drug therapy is worth it. Im on a medication now that makes it hard to lose weight but the benefits outweigh the negatives.

Drug therapy is not a simple answer and it can take a whilevto get it right, as in years. Mental health is not simple in general but ive found a trustworthy therapist is key.

Sorry to hear that zim. I am going through a tough time as well because my mom's cancer is back, it has spread to her lungs, liver, and, bones, prognosis is not good. Hopefully treatment will keep her here for as long as possible

Needless to say my emotions are all over the place. Mabb is always a good escape to joke and goof around

Hey Zim, the loss of your father (and all the emotions involved) is somethimg you need to experience and work through. That is very, very difficult. I understand the choice you made to take medication, but it will only cover up the wound, not heal the source of the pain. I hope you have someone close to you in person that you can reach out to for support. But to heal from this trauma,you will need to look inward, and not outward.

wise words vahmpy

and sorry to hear about your plight zim. i know medication helps people with mental trauma and depression, but i have always stayed away from it for healing apart from antibiotics a handful of times. for me drugs are for recreation only. because i don't have personal experience with the search for a drug to fix a chronic mental situation, i can't really help... except to say that good friends and family of mine with long term depression and ptsd and stuff like that do seem to have improved their lives by taking certain drugs, so i understand the search for it and the potential efficacy. but it also seems risky. living at peace and accepting who we are, including our "mental illnesses", is the best way for me (assuming we are not actively harming others, then societal justice gets into it).

life is brief, contingent, and messy. we are dependent rational animals

sorry to hear about your mum rhino. take care of her as best you can

Sorry to hear of the loss of your father.

When my dad died, I was put on mirtazapine. On top of olanzapine.

appreciate the replies

its been a hard couple of days, especially the nights. it hasn't got any worse but the sound hasn't stopped. haven't been sleeping well but i'm not sure if that's because of the stress of the tinnitus or tapering off the meds or what. i've never regretted a decision so much. i've hardly been able to sleep or eat.

so it's been a full week with tinnitus so far. some people online say the first week/month is the worst. i have about a week before i'm done tapering off the meds. man i could go on about how miserable i feel. maybe i am overreacting but the thought of this not going away and not being able to not hear it really really bothers me. i'm not even off the meds yet, i know my brain needs to readjust and it will take time but fuck

Hang in there Zimbro we got your back

Vent all you need to in the mean time.

Shit is always worse at night when theres no distractions.

Have you tried putting on a meditation loop or white noise? Something for your mind to focus on other than the ringing?

yeah i've discovered tinnitus masking videos. i've found one or two that kind of help, i've been playing them on my phone and sitting it near my ears during the night. i know this sudden onset will probably be the worst part of it. i was able to kind of ignore it yesterday by playing a game for a little while. i just feel so down

Hoping for the best for both Zim and Ryan’s mom. I’m so sorry Ryan. Reach out to me or MABB if you ever need to talk/just vent.

Zim, same man. DM me on IG or here if you need. We all being old ass men now, need to stick together! We all we got! Or something.

Thank you kind sir

really sorry to hear, zim. i understand well the desire/decision to medicate, it's something i tried under similar circumstances in my early 20s. turned out to be disastrously bad for me, i had to discontinue after a couple weeks and very luckily didn't have any enduring side effects. but whatever the case, there's no shame in having tried, and if nothing else it demonstrates that you are serious about wanting to change, and a lot of people struggle to even get that far.

separately i can also appreciate how badly tinnitus fucking blows, especially for those of us who are so heavily musically-attuned. i came down with it when I contracted covid back on christmas of 2021, and it was quite severe during the course of the illness. though it's much less potent now, it unfortunately seems to be with me permanently. i have some days where it's no longer noticeable now, and as best i can tell, those good days tend to be the ones where I'm well rested (a hard screen time cutoff has helped here immensely - I sleep much more easily and restfully with a couple hours detox before bed), not stressed, and am generally happy. which i also understand is probably quite outside of your daily life. it may take time for yours to diminish, but there is plenty of reason to have faith that it will.

what's been very helpful for me in recent years as i've tried to put serious work into fixing a lot of my fucked-upness is just finding little rituals that bring me some minor moment of joy or positivity. if I consistently find the time for these, it helps to focus my thoughts in a more positive direction generally. daily skincare rituals and cawfee concocting have been really good ones for me, though obviously what works is going to vary greatly from person to person. it's not an easy path to tread, but with time and focus, you can cultivate an interior life that is not ruled by what so often feels like a permanent and all-consuming darkness.

always happy to chat if you need to vent or anything

solid advice there stormicus

also on the tinnitus front directly, i have had it since i was a teenager and started blasting metal at obscene volumes in headphones for hours every day and attending concerts without ear plugs. but it comes and goes and i don't let it get to me ... i reduced the volume i listen to music at over a decade ago and it has not worsened. it doesn't get in the way of my life or stop me listening or doing the things i want to do or whatever. it's just "background noise" ... like the way you can't get your nose out of your line of vision, something like that.

appreciate all the support

still hanging in there. it hasn't really let up but i think my initial panic has cooled a little, it's still annoying as all fuck at all hours though. i've been sleeping a little better since my last post. the masking noise videos have been a big help but it gets tiring listening to static. i only have two doses left now on the taper which are 3 days apart. i could probably get by without taking them but we'll see.

also rhino, really sorry to hear your troubles as well, i know that story all too well. hang in there man and appreciate everything while you can

re: background noise, this was shared with me today and it rules https://mynoise.net

music or nothing

str8 edge

jawn galliano wrote: ↑

26 Jun 2023, 10:21

re: background noise, this was shared with me today and it rules https://mynoise.net

i've found this one to be most helpful so far (sometimes)

been off the meds for two weeks today and it's still an issue unfortunately. i've read it can take weeks/month to get better (or years or who knows). having good days and bad days, some really heavy depressive moments but i'm doing my best to push through it. i think i might have it really mild which i am beyond grateful, hard to gauge, but the persistence of it is so incredibly stressful and tiresome.

you must listen to metal 24/7

the last few nights have been really bad emotionally, i don't know why i started feeling worse. i've been up all night for weeks now, i'm struggling to get my sleep schedule wrapped around, i feel trapped in the night. typically i would stay up as long as i can but i've been going to sleep as soon as i can to get away from all of it.

i keep telling myself that these feelings are temporary and i still need to give it time but man the last few nights i have just felt absolutely hopeless. i would rather deal with nearly anything else. it just doesn't fucking stop.

i know this is depressing as shit but it's distracting me for a minute or two

Fucking hell dude. I don't really know what to say but you're handling this a lot better than I could.

Damn sorry to hear thst zim

At least you are venting somewhere hopefully it gives you a little relief at least

let it all out, you're gonna be alright

Indeed, we're here for you.
But please find some kind of professional help if that's an option. Not just for this tinnitus but also for its effects.

My uncle from germany also has had it for almost all his life. 54 now. Professional allround musician and sound engineer. Truly a brilliant hard-on bearer. Had to learn to live with it.
I hope you can find a way to cope with it.

i was at an extreme low last night, i hadn't eaten much in a couple of days from stress. after i posted i finally managed to eat and really felt a lot better. oddly tonight the noise is as low as its been so far i think, in the last few hours i've felt a great deal of relief. the sound wasn't any worse the last three days but the stress just felt compounding. i've been spending as much time as i can with my girlfriend and she's helping me a lot through it. i don't want to scare anyone.

the last few days my girlfriend was away and i didn't do much other than sit around the house and sleep during the day which i know is the worse thing i can do. i'm working on getting my sleep schedule rotated but it will take a few more days. i have been mostly sleeping fine during the day, just up at night.

thank you guys for being there for me. i know i'll get through this. you would probably laugh at how dramatic i'm being if you could hear how faint this sound really is.

today is 4 weeks off the medicine, 2 weeks since last update. the tinnitus hasn't got any worse, it's been fluctuating a lot in the last two weeks, bad days and good days. i've had a few moments where it was hardly noticeable in either ear, i don't know if it this means anything other than regular fluctuations but those moments are wonderful. i'm worried they give me a false hope though but i'm just trying to only think about the current moment. the fluctuations are weird, the sound can be different hour to hour.

i saw my gp about two weeks ago. he didn't seem to think this was caused from the medication since the odds are so low but i absolutely do. he suggested taking a decongestant since i mentioned a little bit of sinus pressure/headache. i can't tell if its been helping but maybe.

i think i might be out of the initial panic/extreme distress phase, it's been about 6 weeks total. i had some dark thoughts i've never experienced before in my life, challenging moments. my girlfriend has carried me through this. i'm really trying to accept this mentally and learn to cope/habituate. it will take a long time but i am pushing through, i'm doing okay. in the last week i haven't felt depressed anymore that way i was feeling. i'm still feeling anxious and stressed but just taking it a day at a time.

the depression/anxiety from this experience has had me feeling like i can never be happy again, like my life has been ruined. i've since realized this isn't obviously isn't true and is probably from some of the stories i've read that scared me. but luckily i think i have this very mild/tolerable. i know i still have a long road ahead of me, hanging in there.

good job mate

That sounds very good.

Most doctors are so brainwashed by the medical industrial complex they think everything they proscribe to their patients is safe. With many medication, especially in the US, it's the other way around. They make so much money on prescribtions, it's more profitable to keep feeding people shit instead of trying to cure the root cause.

Hopefully you'll be able to slowly come out of this doing well, mentally and physically.

I have tinnitus!

My solution was don't fucking care about it...

I went to a doctor, he prescribed some pills, but he said many things can cause it and mostly it's incurable. So I didn't take them.
I also took MRI, and while I was waiting there, there where a lot very sick people there. I was saying to myself "Am I sick at all?!"
And I left the place...

It's constant, but most of the time I forget about it and I don't hear it. I only hear it when I remember that I have it, or it's absolutely silence.
Also, sometimes I have a separate one, which is very loud, and slowly fades in and out, but it's very rare and I always disappear.

Don't read stupid articles about it. Most of them only make you more angry and frustrated...
Just don't be sad about it and try to accept it.

Hope this helps!

that is also some damn good advice

so much in life is subjective, we are the will, we can take control of our own suffering—experiences and choose how to feel it and represent it

i think it's going to take me a while to learn not to care. i'm worried that the fluctuations are going to make it difficult, the sound is changing all the time. two days ago it was shimmering in both ears with no change and was driving me a little nuts. but last night and this morning it was almost silent enough not to hear, wtf

i'm still doing well with not having anymore really dark depressing moods/thoughts so that is a big improvement to my mental health. starting to sleep better as well, no more long lonely nights awake. i am having a lot of frustrating moments though, moments where i think "how am i going to get through this" or "how am i supposed to be able to feel happy again". i know the answer is time but man this sure does suck to have happened

much sucks and your ears are one thing that sucks

last week i had 4 or 5 days in a row where the sound was hardly noticeable, it felt really good. then i had a bad day, then a good day, then a bad day, etc. i think the string of good days gave me too much hope that maybe it was about to go away or something. and the last few days i've felt very stressed and some brief moments of that panic feeling again. i think i have to really refocus on acceptance rather than the possibility that it might go away.

i went to my first cognitive behavioral therapy session last week but it was just an assessment, it'll be a few weeks before i get to go back unfortunately. this seems to be the most recommended method for reaching habituation faster. apparently habituation can take anywhere from 6 to 18 months and often occurs naturally but with therapy it can happen sooner.

been about 8 weeks total and 6.5 weeks off the meds. i guess it feels like a long time but with habituation potentially taking as long as it does i'm still very early. luckily time seems to be going faster these days (as i get older) so i guess that's a plus.

on the upside i'm taking better care of myself. walking 5 miles a day, keeping the place well cleaned, cut out pop/caffeine, not staying up at night. trying to calm and reassure myself but it's still difficult and i suppose it will be for a long time. it still sucks and i still feel sad, almost a grief like feeling even. just wanted to post an update, still hanging in there.

sounds to me like you're actually kicking ass zimmerman

Keep it up Zim!

We are built to endure!

it might not feel like it but from your description i think you are making excellent progress and i hope it carries on

whatever you do though, don't see an audiologist. after a year and a half of complaints my PCP gave me a referral as part of my annual checkup, 15 minutes of tests, "your hearing is normal and good and maybe some day you won't have the tinnitus anymore", and i just got hit with a fucking $900 bill for it

so i guess that's it for me and engaging with the US healthcare system for another decade

man i'm not sure what's going on but the last few days i have just not felt good emotionally. i feel like since i've started to move my attention to acceptance i've started feeling way more sad and stressed. it's probably normal but the last few days i'm feeling scared and kind of panicky again like i did early on. maybe this is just stress or a new phase, i don't know. i really wish this wasn't happening to me, it really scares me that this is likely permanent and accepting that is really hitting me hard.

i really do have hope that eventually i will habituate and i won't be stressed like this anymore. but the reality of it all hitting me is just so hard. maybe i'm just having a set back moment, i don't know.

chin up mate, in your situation i would order big ass pizza and drink a cold frothy IPA :ipa: